For Good
by Niflheim07
Summary: They were all laughing on the train, but Harry didn't understand. He had come back with Ron and Hermione, but most of all, he just wanted to go to the place where he discovered and lost everything for a last time.  One-shot. Warning: dark, suicide.


So this is set after DH, not epilogue. They all went back to Hogwarts, and it's a bit AU, I guess, and also kinda angsty, so don't say I didn't warn you. I'm using the lyrics of one song here; it's called **Lose You**, by **Pete Yorn**. I also think I should tell you, english is not my mother language, I actually speak spanish so I'd appreciate anything you could tell me about grammar, words, etc. Thanks!

As always, I do not own any of the characters, trademarks used here, nor the song or the lyrics shown.

Please rate and review :)

* * *

_I'm taking a ride_

_Off to one side_

_It is a personal thing_

The smoke of the train spreaded through the blue sky, a steady wake that hadn't even changed after all these years. Even after war, after hundreds of deaths and tortures, even when they all were forced to leave an innocence they had merely tasted to face the inclemency of war, they were now sitting in a cabin of the Hogwarts Express. Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived, symbol of hope and final victor of Voldemort, was less than the warrior he used to be.

A little bit after the final battle, many funerals were held, being Fred Weasley's the last one. Harry was supposed to say some words in memory of the twin, of everyone who fell fiercely fighting in a war that was never their own, but he couldn't do it, and all he managed to say was a pitiful _Thanks_, like a broken prayer. Now he understood that he would never hear the twins' pranks again, nor he would laugh with Tonks about her imitation of Dudley, nor he would look for the wise words of Lupin. They had been buried days before Fred's funeral, a kind of small ceremony, and Harry thought they deserved a lot more. Just after burying Fred's coffin, when Ms. Weasley broke in tears, employees of the ministry came over to Harry and told him that his uncle, aunt and cousin had been found dead earlier that day in the shelter they lived in after leaving Private Drive. It's true, Harry was never really close to them, there was even something like resentment between them, but he couldn't help the anguish flow of guilt adding to his overwhelming emotions. Hadn't he even been able to protect his own muggle family from all of this slaughter?

They were all laughing on the train, but Harry didn't understand. He had come back with Ron and Hermione, but most of all, he just wanted to go to the place where he discovered and lost everything for a last time.

_Where?_

_When I can't stand_

_Up in this cage I'm not regretting_

McGonagall's words before the feast were majestic, but they lacked the warm feeling of Dumbledore's speeches, that welcoming, caring and paternal look in his eyes. Hermione took his hand and squeezed it briefly, and Harry answered with an elusive smile. His eyes got wet, but he didn't want to lose against his own mistakes, he didn't want to show his weakness in front of his friends when they were the ones who suffered the most by his side, only because of the misfortune of caring about him. Even when Hermione suspected, he had to keep showing that strength, smile to the peace that Voldemort's death had brought, even when it had made him a killer. No, there was no time to regret. Harry let go of Hermione's soft, warm hand; his hand was freezing.

_I don't need a better thing_

_I'd settle for less_

_It's another thing for me_

_I just have to wander through this world_

_Alone_

The lake, the Astronomy tower, the greenhouses, it was incredible the amount of places that his life was bounded to, like bittersweet memories that haunted him wherever he went. He still dreamed with the screams, the flashes of death, the shattered walls, but he no longer said anything about them. All of them wanted to forget, to leave the war behind, they said he just needed to let it go. Soon he stopped going on about it, Voldemort's voice became part of his nights, and the faces of Sirius, Lupin, her father and mother remained by his side. That was his world, the climax to where he walked all his life, so how was he supposed to let it go?

_Stop before you fall_

_Into the whole_

_That I have dug here_

_Rest even as you_

_Are starting to feel the way I used to_

Harry smiled whenever he heard Ron and Hermione argue, like if they were in fifth grade, fighting over homework or arguing about Ron's insensitive remarks. They had lived almost the same, but Harry felt a lot older, as though the moment his childhood, his youth were taken away from him, he would have been pushed to an adulthood that soon consumed him until taking him to the edge. He sometimes heard Hermione cry, and Ron exploded over trifles, but they were strong, they were young. They found themselves and, together, took one step after the other, following the road. He tried to do the same, but by every step he took, he turned around and glanced over his shoulder, waiting for God knows what, until he got lost. They continued on the road, but he stayed on one side.

_I don't need a better thing_

_(Just to sound confused)_

_Don't talk about everyone_

_I am not amused by you_

Hermione notices it, she comes closer, asks Harry what's wrong, but he doesn't want her to be worried, not anymore. He already made her risk her own life, her parents' life by his side, he doesn't want to push her into his restless mind, he doesn't want her helplessly staying here. Homework, Ron, Ginny, Quidditch, she tries to take him out of his stupor, but soon he gets tired of her. He wants her to go, to understand there's no point on doing it, he's tired.

'_Cause I'm gonna lose you_

_Yes, I'm gonna lose you_

_If I'm gonna lose you_

They're all on the grounds; it's a beautiful summer afternoon. Weirdly, Hermione has been following me all day long, she kinda senses it. We're one day from graduation, and I still wonder how I managed to get here when I feel like I didn't do anything over the year. I had finally avoided her, got away from her piercing brown eyes, they hurt me, they made me think one more time. The view from the boys' room in Gryffindor's Tower was beautiful, _Diffindo_, and the glass gets cut off nicely from the walls. I hear voices down below me; it seems it's Hermione, she's still looking for me, she talks to Ron, they start arguing again.

The train rides, the lake, Hagrid's shack, the astronomy tower, the halls, the Room of Requirement, DADA, Ron, Ginny, the Quidditch Cup, the loving death, Dumbledore's broken body falling, the pranks on the halls, every piece of Voldemort that extinguished on my hands, everything. Everything was in this castle. _Knock, knock, knock_, it's Hermione again. She's just making it harder, and finally, I cry. I doubt but decided to take a piece of parchment and write something. I don't care about anyone, she just deserves to understand; she would be the only one able to do so, or maybe not? _'Cause I'm gonna lose you. Yes, I'm gonna lose you. If I'm gonna lose you, I'll lose you now for good. _

I leave the piece of parchment by my side, on the windowsill. What a beautiful landscape, and now here it comes, the forever after, my For good.

Air is buzzing on my ears, light blinds me and then… Darkness, for good.


End file.
